We grew apart, we didn’t fall apart, and it wasn’t a choice. Only the conclusions around the divorce was a choice. I even see smoking or drinking as more of a choice in leading to the ultimate separation; death. He wasn’t happy in our marriage, was that his choice to not be happy? I tried to”fix it” but it wasn’t up to me, nor the kids, it was up to him, but he couldn’t find happiness with me, he wanted me to change, and I didn’t want to change. I couldn’t become something I wasn’t, and I don’t think we had more of a choice than living an unhealthy life leading to premature death. He had to find his happiness and peace, but not by changing me.
The only difference was that he saw the separation as a failure, something wrong, I didn’t. I never saw growing apart as wrong, I saw it as life. I didn’t fall in love with him 22 years ago because it was right. I just fell in love, and now I didn’t walk another path than his because it was right, I was just me.
Sad, but not wrong. Sometimes life is sad, nothing we can avoid, but it doesn’t need to be wrong. How we see it is up to us, good or bad, or both. That’s the only choice we have. It would have been more sad to keep our couple connection intact by force when in reality it was gone. It would have been paddling against the stream, until drowning, until we sat at one of those nice restaurants without exchanging a word, watching others.
It took 3 years. Then we could start a new kind of friendship, respect the difference and create a new connection. Three years of disconnection, to finally start connecting in a total new form. Sometimes we have to disconnect to re-connect. That’s the ultimate mind detox and as such I feel hugely grateful. I’m sorry for the pain I caused, and I see the value of Ho’oponopono.