Death or Divorce – What’s the Difference?

When the divorce was obvious, I just wanted to stay friends. I wanted a friend in him, not only have conversations about selling the house, excel files about costs, and trying to solve problems. The answer I got was that that wasn’t possible; “No one can be friends after a divorce!”


I was shocked! Why not? What kind of conventional BS (sorry!) was that? I missed him, his advice, our talks, our girls, our families. Why couldn’t he accept the growing apart and still be friends? What was it in his anger towards me that he needed to heal? For me it’s the opposite, how can you NOT stay friends? Specially if there was love, friendship, kids and happy memories. If you loved someone wouldn’t you want him or her to be happy, help them in what they need, cooperate, care? Everything else is selfish and wrong for me.

connected love

What’s the difference when it’s the ultimate separation; death? Why would it be easier to be kind and accept to the abandoned if the separation occurs by death from smoking or drinking? Is it because there wasn’t a ‘choice’? Or is it because there wasn’t any cruel words in the process? There wasn’t any greediness, jealousy, possession, controlling, and all those other things that are part of a relationship but NOT love.

Or is it because we just don’t reflect on what is right, intoxicating us more than any poisonous molecule. We do what others do, we follow hundreds of years of conventionalism, dating back to when we (the women) were not supposed to live as we wanted but as he wanted? Times when the sacrament was used for reasons that don’t exist today, times when 50% of women died in child birth at early age, and when very few reached the age of 50.

2 thoughts on “Death or Divorce – What’s the Difference?

  1. Maybe he needs to to heal, ? I would love more “relationship” like posts.
    like whats your take on men being friends with women whom they were friends with based on a attraction (got friend-zoned?) and so forth. and any “mothery” advice etc 🙂 thx

  2. Hi Amber and thanks for you comment.
    Yes, he definitely needs to heal and when he does I’m sure he is going to be kind and compassionate to more people than just me again. The absolute majority are deep down kind but our conventional world teaches us to hate, compete, control and try to change others instead of accept, help and respect them. I see that it is all based on fear, and healing is in the large picture to get rid of the fears we all have. It’s the only way to become authentic. I can only support him in what he needs to heal. If that is to stay out of his life, I will because I clearly see that my love isn’t gone, it has just transformed like any other energy. I still want to be friends, and if he doesn’t I can only accept.
    This is a very, very, VERY important question you ask! It all comes back to our belief system. We have been taught that different forms of friendship are right or wrong. Why? If you ask beyond convention, doesn’t most of us see that all forms of friendship are right, otherwise they are something else, but not friendships?
    What you ask in your comment is the classical question and I can only say that it is not wrong for a man (or woman) to be physically attracted but it is wrong of them to think they “have the right to make love”, and it is wrong when the other thinks they “have to make love”. I always give the advice to NEVER make love to anyone that doesn’t want it as much as you, and find out if they really do or if they just feel they have to say yes.
    There is so much convention in this. Boys are taught that they should make the first move, girls are taught how they “should” behave too. I can only recommend to go beyond that convention and do what ever feels right!
    A young girl told me that she met a guy, they became friends, spent a few days together and one day at lunch time she didn’t have money and he offered to pay her lunch. After a while he said;
    -“So, I guess this is the time when I kiss you!” Surprised she asked what she had done to make him believe that he could kiss her? They talked about it, and realized there is so much convention about relationships. Boys are taught to “take the first move”, girls are taught to act in a “correct” way too. The free will only comes when we see that we are Marionettes in a Play of Conventions! That’s when we can decide what we want.
    So to answer your question…ask him, ask yourself. Talk about it, understand his part in the “convention play” but never do anything that doesn’t heal and energize you both.

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